Wednesday, September 25, 2013

On making things clear....

I recently asked a girl -- explicitly, not just implied! -- to go on an actual Date (yes, the capital "D" was there, even though it was spoken).

She said, "Thank you, but I'm not interested in you that way."

Ok, cool!  No harm, no foul, and we're still friends. :)

That was SOOOOOO much easier than the "let's hang out and hope we click and if we click I might get the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend but I shouldn't let her explicitly know I'm interested (although hopefully she'll figure it out) because I'm afraid that'll scare her off" approach.

No, if being blunt scares her off, then fine.  Y'all know me -- we probably wouldn't have gotten along anyway; none of us has time to dilly-dally around waiting for someone to figure out what they want.

So....From here on out, if I'm interested in a you, I'm going to ask you: "I'd like to take you on a Date; are you interested?"

Now, for all of you girls reading this, don't think that just because I've asked you if you want to "hang out" or whatever previously that it automatically means I've been interested in you but just wasn't saying so, and was trying to sneak a date in when you weren't paying attention.

Granted, I _have_ been guilty of that before (forgive me), but not often, especially in the last year or three (I've grown up a little).  More than likely in your case I wasn't.  (And I 100% wasn't if I know you have a significant other, aren't into guys, are underage, etc.)

But do rest assured that from here forward, no matter what, "Do you want to hang out" means _just that_, and no more.  It means you're a friend and I like hanging out with you, or you're a new friend and I want to find out if I like hanging out with you -- as a friend -- same as I asked a guy the same thing.

If I'm interested in you enough to want to see if there's any "us" beyond friendship at all, I'll ask you on a Date, capital "D" and all.

It doesn't have to be anything fancy.  In fact, I don't know that the first one would be anything more than what would otherwise be just "hanging out" (e.g. going to see a movie, dinner, whatever).  The difference will be that I will have been up front about my intentions and motivations.  Then you can either say, "No, thanks" or "Yes, I'd like that".  You will not hurt my feelings either way.  (Do try to be nice about it, though...body language can cut just as deep as verbal language.)

If you say "no", then fine -- no harm, no foul, we're still friends, etc.  Moving on, no biggie.

But do us both a favor -- since I'm not playing games, don't play games yourself.  Make the time, show up on time, and put the phone away.  If you want to date me, then date me.  If you don't, don't feel like you have to say "Yes" just to be nice or whatever.  That's called leading someone on.  If you're not sure, answer with "I'm not sure it'll go anywhere, but sure -- let's give it a go."  It's called "managing expectations" and it's all the rage in the business world, because it _works_.

Also, as long as we're on the topic, if you are interested in me, but I don't seem to be in you, don't wait for me to catch a clue (I can be pretty dumb sometimes).  Tell me!  Don't worry: whether it's "yes" or "no", I'll treat you exactly like I would like to be treated -- with dignity, respect, honesty, and clarity.

I say all this because I'm getting tired of constantly wondering.

You see, I'm looking to settle down in the next year or five, and I'd very much like someone to settle down _with_.

For the record, I don't want to do the following, but even if I did I couldn't.  I can't just pick someone and say, "You marry Krog!" and drag her off to my cave.  Nor am I under any illusion that any particular gal I date is automatically the one that will work out, just by virtue of the fact that she said "yes" to a date (or even a Date...haha).  (So don't worry that I'm going to think that just because you went on a date with me that I'm going to think we're a couple yet or something....).

No, but I think I should just start flat out making my desires clear.  That way if someone isn't interested, I'll be clear on that, and we can make some progress.

And if she's _not_ interested, I'll be clear on that, too, rather than wondering, "did that interaction mean something or not?  What did it mean, if anything?"  etc. until I wind up in a mental institution....

So no more mental institution for me.  If I like you, I'm gonna say so.  If you like me, say so.  We'll figure it out from there.  :)

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Hi! Feel free to comment. However, I was getting posts from different Anonymous people, and it's difficult to know who is who so I can keep the conversation straight in my head. So I'm requesting that you please bear with my weakness, and identify yourself. Even if you want to use a different name than your real name -- that's fine. But give yourself a handle for me, please. :) Thanks...